Dr Jones adopts tough stance

Dr Jones (left) delicately examines Gazza

FORMER Wales football captain Vinnie Jones has been unveiled as the country’s new chief medical officer. 

The full of nonsense former midfielder has kick started his tenure by launching a campaign to encourage members of the public to opt for aggressive chest compression rather than give the kiss of life during CPR.

Self styled hard-man Jones, who built his reputation by kicking seven bells of shit out of opponents while playing for Wimbledon, Leeds and Chelsea, succeeds Tony Jewell who announced his retirement shortly before Christmas.

Jones, who earned nine caps for his third choice country before retiring from football and turning to acting in films such as Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, will be introduced to the public as a medical doctor through a TV advertising campaign.

It shows Jones shunning the kiss of life in favour of pumping hard on a collapsed man’s chest – to the tune of the Bee Gees hit ‘Stayin Alive’. The ad intends to promote Jones’ official advice that kissing blokes in public is gay, so it’s better to perform chest compression instead.

In his advice to the Welsh Goverment, Dr Jones says: “Skip the kiss of life you’re gonna’ look like a right fairy. Instead we should be letting people know that we favour ‘hard and fast’ compressions in the centre of the chest. Is that understood?

“Chest compressions with rescue breaths will continue to be part of gold standard CPR and taught during formal training.”

He added: “Following the beat of ‘Stayin’ Alive’ has been recommended in the past to help people count chest compressions, as has Nellie the Elephant but if you’re carrying around a recording of that you’re gonna look a right bloody pansy.”

Previously Jones’ only known medical experience had been to carry out an intimate examination of Paul Gascoigne during a Football League match in the 1980s.

First Minister Carwyn Jones welcomed the appointment and praised his plans for a campaign to ban children from swearing in tanning salons.

“Vinnie will play a leading role in terms of developing Wales’ reputation as a country which follows progressive public health policies, in particular, his recommendations on banning children from swearing, and protecting them from the effects of swearing, in tanning salons.”

Former England footballer and TV pundit Jimmy Greaves admitted he was surprised: “Well, stone me. We’ve had cocaine, bribery and Swansea scoring two goals away from home. But just when you thought there were truly no surprises left in football, Vinnie Jones turns out to be an international player.”

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About welshnewsnot

We like the news, we like the news from Wales, we like having a laugh - surely the news isn't meant to be taken seriously, is it?
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