HEALTH chiefs have been made to apologise to three men for making them masturbate unnecessarily.
A Welsh sperm bank, the Cardiff University Masturbation Sanctuary (CUMS), accidentally disposed of the sperm samples of three unlucky donors, rendering their efforts totally pointless.
It means the valiant, selfless volunteers will now have to revisit CUMS and provide a further deposit, at great inconvenience.
Everybody knows men masturbate infrequently, and gain no pleasure from it.
The Welsh Assembly National Knuckle Shufflers (WANKS) sperm collection service has been made to say sorry for putting the three men, who cannot be named, through such ‘distress’.
Following the sperm bungle, which will now be known as Jizzgate, WANKS chiefs say they are not ruling out the possibility the samples were accidentally mistaken for UHT milk and used in hospital workers’ teas and coffees.
Catholic clergyman Father Harold Handjob said God may not forgive the wankers for their sins.
“Forcing these men to repeat this unholy act, which can actually make you blind, is a fate that will be punished by God.
“WHEREVER you are God is watching you. Just remember that next time you fancy a tug and that should put you right off.
“Masturbation is a dreadful habit that the bible does not condone. If Adam had spent his time pleasuring himself rather than inseminating Eve where would we be now?”
Dr Graham Shorthand, medical director of WANKS, said the agency wouldn’t blow its chance to redeem itself.
“The Welsh Assembly National Knuckle Shufflers service would like to offer its sincere apologies to any patient who has been caused unnecessary distress as a result of having to masturbate again.
“If the patients are unable to provide a sample this time around we can provide a nurse to help them do so.
“We want to put this incident behind us. You know what they say, there’s no point crying about spilt milk.
“We do not want to have an incident like this on our hands ever again.”