Alien newt killer is all in the planning

Deadly Triffids like to eat Great Crested Newts

THE arrival of an alien plant threatening the existence of the famous Great Crested Newt in Wales could be the work of greedy housing developers.

Conservation workers are desperately trying to rid Stryt Las Country Park in Johnstown near Wrexham of the invasive Triffid species, a dangerous aggressive alien plant, which has been devouring the protected amphibian species.

The plant is able to walk about on its three legs, and possesses an evil sting that enables them to kill and devour hapless newts.

The sacred Great Crested Newt is protected by law, and signs of its presence have put paid to many a multi million pound development. Their extinction would eliminate planning hurdles all over Wales and seemingly signal a celebration party for fat cat property tycoons.

News of the Triffids has prompted North Wales Police to investigate claims that chiefs from Big Money Homes Corp paid Russian space enthusiasts to plant Triffid seeds at Stryd Las Country Park that would wipe out the sorry newt near Wrexham, before scouring the country in search of more amphibian blood.

Triffid expert Bill Masen said:  “I thought the Triffids had died out in the 1950s, and news of their reappearance is worrying, particularly for newts.

“As well as killing off small creatures, the sting of a Triffid can blind humans too. If these alien plants have been reintroduced to our eco-system it could spell disaster. I don’t know how the human race would survive without the Great Crested Newt.”

A spokesman for Big Money Homes Corp said:  “We would like to reassure interested parties that there is no link between our current planning application near Johnstown,
or our recent company trip to Wrexham via Moscow, and the reappearance of this
alien plant.

“Big Money Homes Corp would be sorry to see the demise of this special little animal. Honestly.”

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We like the news, we like the news from Wales, we like having a laugh - surely the news isn't meant to be taken seriously, is it?
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