SWANSEA City thought their recent promotion would see them head for the promised land of the Premier League – but a sneaky contractual obligation means their rise has actually seen them become ENGLISH.
Against all odds the Swans became the first Welsh team in history to reach the Barclays Premier League, after toothless nearly men Cardiff City had limply threatened to make the breakthrough in successive seasons.
But their Welsh record-breaking heroics under Brendan Rogers hardly seem to have mattered, as the Jacks have now become English as a result of being promoted.
The footballing big wigs at Sky Sports.com declared the Swans as one of two English teams chasing Nigerian nobody Kalu Uche this week.
Many had initially thought reports of the Swans’ new English status was a mere gaffe by website nerds, but a sneaky plan successfully hatched by the FA means Swansea’s nationality switch is a reality.
The Swans will now have to ground share over the border with Bristol Rovers as part of their new-found requirements as an English Premier League team. It means unhappy Jack fans face a 150-mile round trip to watch their team play home games at the Memorial Stadium next season.
Media friendly Swansea chief Huw Jenkins explained: “We had another look over the new FA Premier League licence the other day and it does in fact seem we’ve signed over to being an English football team.
“This man from the FA, who looked like a Bond villain, pulled out a contract from a shiny metal suitcase and shoved it under my nose during our playoff party and I signed it. We were celebrating and we were all shitfaced – I didn’t know what I’d signed up for!
“We’ve only just realised thanks to recent reports. We should have clicked earlier this week when we signed Leroy Lita from Fame and his agent had said returning to Bristol was one of the main attractions for the boy.
“Yes we’re expecting a backlash from fans. Many of them have flags and banners bearing the Welsh dragon that are now effectively rendered useless, and a lot of their chants will be ruined too, especially ‘Always Shit on the English Side of the Bridge’.”
However all is not lost for the Englishmen, as a legal loophole means they can return to being Welsh and proud if they are relegated next season. The Swans merely have to lose as many of their 38 league games as possible in order to restore their former status.
Huw Jenkins added: “We will fight to recover our Welsh status next season when we’re back in the Championship.”