Shock at shit exam results

SHOCK figures have shown that the majority of Welsh schoolchildren fail to gain 13 straight A*star grades in their GCSE exams.

The previously secret results showed that cocky Welsh teenagers ain’t half as clever as they and their teachers claim, or as their parents thought they were.

The belief that Wales was turning out generations of geniuses was fuelled by photographs published in local newspapers every August of smiling teenagers looking smug and congratulating each other on just how clever they are.

However a Freedom of Information Act request of all Welsh school results has blown that myth out of the water and revealed wide variations in pupil pass rates. Across Wales around half of pupils gain ‘good’ passes at GCSEs with others doing ‘alright’, ‘not too bad’, ‘about average’ and ‘shit really’.

The overall pass rates of schools were compiled into lists by the Welsh Assembly Government, which decided to keep them secret in 2001 in case people mistook them for the Welsh Premier League football table.

Teaching unions were livid that the results had been released. Spokesman Harry Can’t said: “If you look at the Premier League table everyone takes the piss out of the team at the bottom, but nobody asks about how much more money the teams at the top have – people just think that’s an excuse.
“Also what happens to the school at the bottom, in football the teams at the bottom get relegated but where do you relegate a school to.”

Headteachers said comparing GCSE results was just one of the many confusing ways the Welsh Government used to hide poor performance and wide variations in results across Wales and doubted any sort of league table would be of much use to anyone, admitting: “It’s a bit of a head fuck really.”

School league tables show Welsh students aren't as clever as they look

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About welshnewsnot

We like the news, we like the news from Wales, we like having a laugh - surely the news isn't meant to be taken seriously, is it?
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