THE city of Swansea is keeping its fingers crossed that its footballing sons can reach the promised land of the Premier League on Bank Holiday Monday.
The Championship play-off final comes with a £90 million price tag for sure-fire winners the Swans or no hopers Reading at Wembley, and the seaside resort is hoping to cash in on the expected promotion party.
Planners have already authorised a hotel boom to help the city monopolise on the 2,000 visiting fans bussed in and out of the city on match day. Budget hotels are being knocked up quicker than a fat girl on Wind Street who’s low on self esteem and high on booze.
Publicity seeking experts claim promotion could be worth an unlikely £500 million to the wider Swansea economy, a prospect which Swansea council leader and Swans fan Chris Holley hopes would give the city a lift in difficult economic times.
He said: “I’d be absolutely over the moon if Swansea went into the Premiership. It would say to people that things happen here in South West Wales. That would have an impact on all sorts of levels.
But it’s not just the city’s tourism trade that is hoping to make a quick buck off a possible promotion for the Swans.
The city’s famous Swansea Slappers and numerous law firms are rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of top flight football on the Welsh south coast.
Inspired by a girl from down the road who had an alleged sexual relationship with a ‘family-orientated Premier League star’, tan-tastic tarts are planning to bring out their A-game to hook themselves a Premier League footballer.
Jack fan Mywanfy Evans said: “I want a night with one of them footballers I do and then tell all the next day so I could see my name and photo in the paper. I just bought this lush bikini from TK Maxx especially for it, like. I’ve always wanted to be famous and make me mam and dad proud.
“I mean if her off the telly can do it why can’t I?”
Swansea’s solicitors are straightening their polyester ties and stroking their 1980s moustaches with the sweet scent of a super injunction in the seaside air.
Rob Mee of Gower solicitors Rob Mee & Sue Mee Partnership said: “Gagging orders are specifically designed to protect the rich and famous from their infidelities. These boys still have a right to privacy, and the world’s a dangerous place now thanks to MyFace and StalkBook.
“We want the Swansea lads to know that our door is always open, and that we should be their first port of call after a night to regret – right after they’ve been to the clinic.”
Swansea leg-end Lee Trundle says he could only have dreamed of the heady heights of the Premier League when he was playing for the Swans – when it was more Mumbles Mile than Wembley Way.
The portly Scouse ace, who now plys his trade as a goal hanger at Welsh Premier League side Neath FC, was more used to matching up against the likes of Cheltenham Town and Wycombe Wanderers than Arsenal or Manchester United.
Eagles ace Trundle said: “Back then I was dating Liz McLarnon from Atomic Kitten, but had we been in the Premiership, I probably could have had one of the Saturdays, or even the ginger one from Girls Aloud.”
Despite a modest average home attendance of around 15,000 and having to return around 500 unsold tickets from the 2,000 they were allocated for their semi final away leg match at Nottingham Forest, more than 40,000 ‘diehard’ Swans have crawled out the woodwork to descend on London town this weekend.
Fan Dafydd Jones, 32, said: “I’ve hardly missed a game down the Vetch Field this season. I think Kenny Rodgers is proper sound.”
Come on boys! Your city needs you!